The Guy that Broke Me -

Lets call him “Wes,” was a guy the guy I had dated on and off again for 8 months right. However, unlike yesterdays post the truth was I did not use him as a game or a toy. I really really liked him. I was rather infatuated with him. I was 14 years old and he was older, good looking, and a skater boy. I thought he was completely cool, and I was young, shallow, and stupid. We online dated, and when a girl from my school got involved for some weird reason sense I was not her friend nor did I really know her. She came between us and we were broken up at the moment. We dated again even through but it was harder then before and that time when we did broke up. He was cruel and completely mean to me. He broke my heart to smithereens. I was devastated, but I soon found out it was just him getting back at me because of all the stuff the girl had told him about me. So when I moved on with the Look-a-like, I was in a very dark place. I felt like I needed a change, So I dated a guy, just not be single and feel depressed about what had happened. While also not getting attached. It worked a total of a week I was not that type of girl. The Look-a-like guy was not very into me. I was a girl that wanted a guy to actually want to spend time to me, and he wanted a girl for what teenage boys want girls for. I spent very little time with him. So a week after dating him, I got back to hanging out in this place. I knew alot of people and friends that hung out there.

The North Star -

I was there and he was surrounded by girls. He was nice and caring trying to tell them he wasn’t interested. I was very interested in him and getting to know him. So I did, we started hanging out and spending time together. The more I spoke to him, the more I found myself wanting him. I found myself making time to speak to him and be with him. I spoke to him so often my feelings seem to overflow for him. I waited for him to acknowledge me and say he liked me. Though he had a girlfriend and being a gentleman that he is, he would never say it as he was still with his girlfriend and he knew I had a bf. So one Sunday I told him, “I like you, a lot, more then a friend.” That is when he said it back and we left our bad relationships and starting dating and we were in love. I have to admit it has not been easy being together sense then till now. But I do truly love him. I loved him sense back then till now. I know I’m difficult even irrational however I just love him so much and maybe I sometimes feel like his better then me and I’m just not ever going to be good enough for him and one day he will realize and just leave me.

So I apologize for being such a bitch.

I have had a bf sense I was 12. Not the same bf but I have never been single longer then ah…. maybe 2 months. I always felt like I need the special attention or treatment that came with being someone’s gf. None of my relationships lasted to long. Mostly because I wanted any guy and any guy would do, or so I thought. After a week or two I would make them break up with me. Rarely would I dump someone. I would go as far as cheating to hurt the guy so he would dump me. Lol, I could be a raging bitch. Of course sometimes I’d get dumped just because the guy didn’t like me. But that was ok because the guy didn’t matter all that matter was the feeling of being in a relationship. As I grew up, I learned, and I found out what it was I wanted in a relationship. Of course there was a guy that taught me this. I was dating this pretty nice guy. He broke me heart. Although not because I loved him. I don’t think I really gave a damn about him. He was just convenient. When he got boring, we would break up. Then two weeks later when I couldn’t find a guy as appealing as him or he couldn’t find someone or just for some reason or another. We would get back together. It went like that for 8 months, 3 weeks of dating, 2 weeks single and then back together. He broke my heart because when it ended it ended really bad and had me looking at myself and what a bratty little bitch I was. My words not his. He called me a rag doll, always there when he was bored.  But I did the same to him. I was with other guys when I wasn’t with him, so when we broke I saw me. I didn’t change my routine but I think I got worst. I got a new bf. He was cute. He looked like Ryan Gosslin in the notebook. My loyalties were out and I was worst then ever. I didn’t give a damn about him or his feelings. So one week from dating him. I was flirting with other guys. Guys love a girl that is unattainable. So two weeks of flirting I cheated on him and then dumped him. I think he cried. I starting dating this guy. He was ok, cute, and he had had a girlfriend. Guys might like unattainable things but girls love it. He was also new and hot stuff. All these girls were always around fighting for his attention. So I had to have him. Always wanting to one up everyone else. So as all the girls threw themselves at him. I mocked them and basically told them of for him. I acting uninterested and like he was not worth me. He fell for it hook line and sinker. It was kinda pathetic that he couldn’t see that it was all just to get him to notice me. We became friends, if that’s what you call flirting. His gf was a pain and he complained about her. I played along saying oh poor you, you should work it out, and slowly also making him fall for my sweet innocent side. I didn’t give a damn about him or his gf. I just wanted a new toy and one better then everyone else’s. So everyone would get all jealous. It worked and I got the guy. I was attracted to him in the most basic sense. I hadn’t got to really know the guy. Though that never really mattered. I told him I liked him, guys love that! A girl in charge knowing what she wants. He fell for it and me. Now he was mine. But as I got to know him. I didn’t like him. We dated and said I love you. We were a good couple. But he didn’t have what I wanted anymore. He was like the rest and I was bored. So I did everything I could to push him away to test him. I did not love him and I was a raging bitch to him. He stuck around! I was shocked, disgusted that someone would put up with it. I did everything to put him off. I did not understand. I said and acted horribly. I even did things so he would change. He did it, he stayed, he changed to what he thought I wanted him to be or act like. Though not in that kiss ass way that guys do, but in the “you don’t want to say that? Your weird but w.e no big deal” sort of way. How could he put up with me?! But he did and then I was the one falling hook line and sinker for this obscure guy that put up with me…not that I changed my behavior because what can I say “I’M A BITCH!” Now its been 5 years and 8 months together with this weird guy. I regret many things and I’ve grown and changed because of him. However I regret most having changed him. So now when I ask him to just be himself like that he says no because he thinks I don’t like it . Though I do like it I was just trying to get him to dump me, back when he ment very little to me. Love doesn’t happen just like that. I had a heart of ice and he melted. He stuck with me. I thought guys were all the same and they will all leave you eventually……. Just like my biological father.

The desire to write grows with writing. — Desiderius Erasmus

So I wanted to write again for what you may ask well I don’t know but I just wanted to write.

My new years resolution is to lose weight.

Its a depressing resolution because every time I eat it feels shameful and the more time I spent chilling out in front of my computer I feel like I’m a loser and failing. So over all I believe that’s why being fat is so much easier. But see I’m a competitor. I have to win at anything I really do. I love competitions and I want to win against my self doubt. So I’ve done the math and think that exercising and count the calories I burn on like the treadmill every day is good. My goal is to burn 3,500 in one day. It seems a hard thing to do, seeing as I’m not athletic or an exercise person but I haven’t tried and just wanting to reach that goal is pretty I don’t know motivating or challenging. So I might start low but eventually work my way to 3,500 a day. We will see.

Also I’m not doing a diet. Personally I hate diets and their ridiculous to begin. You can’t eat this or this or that. So basically I can’t eat anything I like and as soon as I do the diet will be forgotten and I will return to my old eating habits. So for anyone out there. NO DIETS! Instead a life style change.  I will watch what I eat and write it down along with how much of it and the time I ate it. To keep tracking of your eating makes you acknowledge whether its about no exercise or if its your eating and you should cut down or not. I will also not restrict what I eat but just eat less of it. Like I love cheese burgers, so maybe still eat a cheeseburger but cut the bad things out or not eat all of the burger. See if you eat too much its about retraining your body to be accustomed to get smaller amounts and shrinking your tummy down, not the fat but your actual stomach. Anyway no extremes, eat what you want but watch what you eat and eat less then usual.

Some basics to begin with  that I’m doing-

• Eat fiber in the morning – things such as cereal or oatmeal or such – Everyday whether you like it, I hate milk so yeah what a pain
• Eggs – Do Not Eat The Yolk! – Its yum, sure but it holds a lot of cholesterol and fat
• Less Soda/Pop/Coke – Too much sugars and caffeine, one once in a while is fine not everyday this includes diet drinks too
• Drink more Green Tea – The antioxidants are good and no more pop means you might need more caffeine, healthier option
• Drink Water – Most people eat when really their thirsty and can’t tell the difference, when hungry drink some water see if it helps
• Snacks are good! – Nuts, Granola Bars, fruits anything healthy is good – Eating more often through out the day increases your metabolism

I’ll think of more! or Suggest some more!

Here’s what I have so far in my book

Day 1 – Jan. 1st, 2012

Start Weight -xxxxxxxxxxx (sorry but embarrassing, maybe when I’ve lost weight and I’m happy about it)

Goal Weight - xxxxxxxxxxx

List of Food & Exercise & Times

• 1 Bowl of lucky charm cereal – 1:20 pm (I slept it!)
• Ham – 3:30pm
• Various amounts of tomatoes, broccoli, and carrots with ranch – 4:30pm

COMMENT

LEX – 8:28PM

Also my life is either extremely boring or a roller coaster that has completely lost control.

So many things have happened and I don’t feel like talking about it.

But I should talk about it about how I feel about all of the stuff thats boiling just below my calm surface and how I am suffering inside. Suicide has become a great option right now. Lol, not that I would do it, but it would take the pain away. Oh sweet sweet death. Anyway lets not get our morbid on.

Though I think most people would love to hear about my rage that burns and wants to burst out of me.

The thing is I just don’t feel comfortable with it even online. Being judged for your thoughts in person is hard enough but to have people do it online, who don’t know you and you think you can be completely honest to is tough. Which is why I might want my blog to be read alot by a billion people but I’m content with a random individuals that clicked me by accident.

How do I expand myself to let loose when I’m still that girl hiding in the corner? AND thats just in a room with just me in it all by myself. You can imagine how am like in a room with people in it. A puddle of shakes and nerves. Just bad!

I think I just need to meet more people to take this little depressed individual and turn me into a fun girl lol.

COMMENT

LEX

OH HAPPY NEW YEARS LOL

]]> http://lifeofcelestial.wordpress.com/2012/01/02/if-im-completely-honest/feed/ 0 alexastar01 http://lifeofcelestial.wordpress.com/2011/01/03/puppy-shopping/ http://lifeofcelestial.wordpress.com/2011/01/03/puppy-shopping/#comments Mon, 03 Jan 2011 19:06:34 +0000 Lex http://lifeofcelestial.wordpress.com/?p=78 ]]> We had to put my dog to sleep about a year ago, because of old age. She was the best and perfect. We miss her and having a dog thats for us girls. We have “AL” but his crazy and likes only my dad. We want another dog. One just like “K” that looks and acts like, that basically is her. Its just because we loved her so much and miss her. It has been over a year, and believe me I’ve been looking.  Its going to be two years now and I just being feeling lonelly, sad, and missing her. So starts the puppy search for the perfect dog.

I didn’t know finding a dog would be so hard! I have no clue were to look and how to find the perfect dog. I looked the humaine society, pet stores, petfinder, craigslist, adoptapet.com, puppy buying sites. NOTHING! I got nothing. We almost got this adorable little terrier but we got beat by someone ahead in the adoption process. So we were sad, and disappointed. We stopped looking for a while. Now we’re looking again. We find a woman selling cockapoo puppies that look like “K” and were so cute and fluffy. But yet again someone beat us to the punch. The woman contacted me back and forth and then goes sorry but I don’t have the girl puppy anymore. WHAT?! Did you think I contacted to learn about a dog you already found someone else that would buy it.

Now I can’t seem to get a break. Theres no tibetan terriers in Ohio, if so their rare and expensive. I miss K I’m not trying to replace her, I just want some part of her. Another dog will help me move on, but we haven’t found our perfect pup. Maybe we’re just not meant to have one just yet. Either way it makes so sad. I miss her, I remember how she went crazy when you got home, the sad faces she’d make to get people food, how she always was a good girl and stayed in our yard even though it wasn’t fenced. She is a dog however and she did sometimes sneak away. We were always worried but she was always fine. She was a smart and cunning. She would sneak off when she knew no one was paying attention to her. In our old house she’d sneak of into this wooded area were she rolled in the mud and she’d come back dripping in mud. In our current home, she’d sneak to places were she would get taken on a walk each day and she knew her dog pals lived.

She didn’t mind being dressed up or being pulled by front palls to dance. She always protected us, but she was never an aggressive dog. She barked when she knew someone was pulling into the driveway or at the door. She always licked toes and liked to pull on things like her rope. She had lots of toys but she never tore them or ripped or dirtied them. She always came when called and she always snuggled. She loved sitting on the top back pillows of the couch, or laying on the carpet near someone. She was scared of men, because she came from an abusive home, but she opened up after being with us. She perferred being with the girls but she still loved my dad. She was scared of thunder and lightning so she always hid under the bed or behind a couch. She might have loved us kids but she always slept with the parents at the end of their bed. She was a bad girl when we got her, she’d rip and chew things, and wasn’t potty trained. But she learned quickly and then she was perfect! She loved the snow, she could walk on it and she was very graceful. Though it didn’t stop her from having snow booties. (because the snow stuck to her fair near her paws,) She could run circles a million times, and never be tired. She was a blur of fur and paws when she did run, and she could probably do laps around big dogs. She wasn’t scared to take on big dogs, and she was always friendly with other dogs. She was my princess, and I miss her. No other dog, can compare.

RIP Kelly

Luckily for you I am bored and in the mood to talk/type. Yay!

But what to talk about I don’t know. I could talk about my life and whats going on. The drama and situations of my life however are not really to share or that entertaining to share. Sorry, I haven’t decided. I’ll give an update though small just to begin with. I’m 20 years, not going to college, and not working. So basically I’m doing nothing right now with my life besides being a lazy arse. I haven’t decided what to do with myself, part of it having to deal with the fact that I’m just not sure I even want to. Its sad, depressing, complicated, confusing, and personal thing that I’m going through. I’m dealing with it slowly, and I wish I could faster, but I have no answers. That is as much as an update as I want to give.

I have so many other things that I wanted to talk about, but at the moment my head is just empty. I wanted to maybe review things, or discuss current topics, maybe even say how happy and entertaining Natalie makes me feel and wishing I could be like her and find something like vlogging for her for me. I have gotten many ideas about peoples lives and career choices but none of them are for my own. I just don’t know anymore. Its almost Christmas, and I feel so depressed and torchered. I’m not happy, and I don’t know how to fix it or what to do. I just repeat myself and go in circles.

THINKING OF WHAT TO WRITE AND I CAN’T! LEAVE A COMMENT OR ANSWER OR SOMETHING.

I MAY NOT BE GOOD AT MY OWN ADVICE BUT I CAN HELP YOU WITH YOURS.

Disclaimer: I am not a critic, nor a genius, nor have I ever written a review. These are just my thoughts on the film. Just me talking about the pros and the cons. If for any reason you feel this doesn’t meet your standards then stop. I am just a fan of the books sense they’ve come out. I have read the books instantly as they came out after discovery the first novel Twilight from a friend. I read it before anyone had gone Vampire crazy, and before New Moon came out. So I have liked the novels a long time. Don’t get me wrong though, as much as I am satisfied with the plot line of the most of the novels I find the author disappointing.

The Author: Stephenie Meyer came and went like J.K Rowling. The author wrote a great story idea but the writing itself was nothing special. There are writing mistakes an experienced author would not make. Stephenie Meyer’s works aren’t master pieces by any standard of literary work. She got this far as J.K. has because she gave the public a nice plot line that made readers drool over pure romance. The same way that Romeo & Juliet are still read in modern times though not modern whatsoever. Yet, the author of Twilight progressively got worst. Lacking in keeping up with the true story she had started with and progressively developing into an almost different story by her fourth book. Change occurred as money in her wallet developed. The later books came solely for the money. After all she did say it herself that she only meant to write two novels and she ended up with four. Most of all I lost my respect entirely of her. Due to the fact that she  personally wrote a letter on her website telling fans of her distaste at the manuscript of Midnight Sun being released online by one of her people and basically telling the readers punishments will happen for it by her not finishing the novel and releasing the draft on her website for all eyes. This action of so outwardly blaming her loyal fans of which some refused to read it even though they could. Shows the fact of how power-hungry she has become to lose track that these people  are devoted to supporting any action taken by her then to just be kicked in the gut for having done absolutely nothing. Plus, it was clearly her fault for the release for trusting the wrong people.

Twilight: My review of twilight the novel. I give it five stars. The characters felt real, relate-able, and consistent. The writing was neither completely poor nor amazing. It was very average like when a friend ask you to read something they wrote. It was properly written and is definitely for a young person that could not acknowledge mistakes. It was written rather childishly, like an adolescent wrote it, which makes it in essence easier to relate to Bella. Although Stephenie Meyer says it was written for  older crowd like individuals like herself, Twilight would not cut it. Most adults would not totally dismiss it, yet it would not have had as great a turn out as it had with the young adult readers. Overall, it is by far the best novel of the Twilight Saga. This is very bad for the rest of the books because they cannot meet up to the standards of the first novel.

New Moon: This novel is clearly the worst of the four novels to some and to others its just seems like a small stepping stone. This novel feels like it was a filler episode in the series.  It filled in some gaps and brought in some ideas for the future books but over all I feel it was a waste of time expect for a few expectations. If the novel had just contained the first bit with Edward and summarized Jacob’s developing character and had the final chapters of the novel it would be better. Basically keep the beginning, the end, and shorten the middle  a lot then this novel might just be ok. Reading this I just felt like get on with the point of the story already, I get it shes depressed move on already, and Jacob is ok but his no Edward. The thing is Edward made Twilight big no matter how you see it and New Moon containing very little Edward is well boring.

Eclipse: This book should have been the last one. It solves the resolution that had started in the first novel almost completely. Though something would need to be added to make this the end and make it amazing instead it wasn’t the last one. The novel seemed to drag on in the middle like New Moon yet it contained some more interesting facts. The end was thrilling, the beginning is forgetful because I literally can’t recall the beginning. Eclipse was nothing special, it was better than the second but still could not compare to the first. Most readers that I spoke to feel that the Bella everyone had fallen in love with in Twilight and people could relate to had become someone utterly different. I get that characters in novel can grow up and change to but this was a radical attitude change in the series. It just felt like a different person with the same name.

Breaking Dawn: By far the worst of the books in the series to most. This novel has the same character ideals of same names, vampires, werewolves, and fight for good. However this novel seems almost unrelated to the rest to the series. The main characters seem almost like strangers to fans of the series. The actions and plot line of the story are just out-of-place with the rest of the series that most people are disgusted to call Breaking Dawn the end of the Twilight series. This book is entirely like a filler episode to the climax. Then as the reader reaches the climax disappointment is waiting. Some of the ideas or passages of the novel are what the fans of Twilight had been waiting to see, yet with the personality change of characters, mainly Bella, made those passage unbearable to enjoy fully. The beginning plays with the exact answers to  that of the readers questions of  “what would happen if this happened.” The middle didn’t really make sense and seemed to be implemented for a shock effect. The end was a the biggest fail and disappointment for readers looking for a little more action.

Twilight the film: Disappointment. Comprehension that the novel can’t literally be brought to life but it was painful to watch almost. The acting by Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson was horrible. Neither of them can properly act. This is no surprise sense Catherine Hardwicke tends to favor actors and not properly look for actors that can act. The effects in the film were unimpressive and lacked realism. A lot of the details that made the novel famous were left out. Scenes were added that just wasted time in the movie and were pointless. The camera work was done poorly and overall failed in properly symbolizing what the novel was all about. Twilight basically had been butchered to shreds for fans of the novel.

New Moon the film: In comparison to Twilight, the film, New Moon was amazing. The effects were much smoother, there were more of them, the camera angles were nice, and it properly symbolized what the Twilight Saga is about. The actors of the first film were kept and brought down the movie. Due to the fact the worst actors in the film are the lead actors. However one lead actor stands out from the rest. Taylor Lautner was amazing. His acting skills carried the film and made the character Jacob look outstanding. Compared to the novel in which fans didn’t like not having as much of Edward in the film I feel better not having Robert Pattinson on-screen. His acting was literally a joke and Kristen Stewart is so emotionless and seems more like versions of  Keanu Reeves. The film kept very close to the novel, but the film brought the novel to life were the novel had failed. The fail was much more entertaining and accomplished in the areas that novel lacked. It had a much more concrete ideas of romance between Edward and Bella. It brought out the feelings of the novel while still being able to introduce the added plot-line of the werewolves and the Volturi. In the end it was a great film. It was better than Twilight the film and New Moon the novel.

Eclipse/Breaking Dawn the films: As the Twilight Saga rages through the media, I hope success on the future films, and wish for certain actors to get some talent, while the rest of the cast stays gifted in their roles. Much appreciation to the actors that play….

Jacob, Charlie, Cullens (Carlisle, Esme, Emmette, Rosalie, Jasper, Alice!), the Wolf Pack.

(If this doesn’t make sense I haven’t slept this a quick blog. A quick 1554 word count blog~   )

Maybe a Part 2 later.

So today’s horoscope says this…

Gemini

Getting through the day may be tougher than you thought it would be — especially if some rather distressing news arrives. Just don’t try to avoid the situation. It won’t work, so be brave, meet it head on and deal with it. That means no calling in sick to work, no asking to leave early and no dragging yourself through the day pouting. Be brave, be meticulous and take care of business like the mature, responsible grownup you are.

Really grown up? Me? Damn it! Yes, I did think it would be easy seems it won’t my darling family will object to that. Deal with it? I won’t I’m having a party and no one is coming. Deal?! Hah…..

Hey,

Long time no see… Updates? Not many. This whole year has been odd to say the least. Its my senior year and I’m graduating, as such drama and lots of it. The best time of your life is high school. Ha, yeah right! The worst time of your life is in high school. Its suppose to be a fabulous year of many deeds and yet its not. Its filled with pressure, drama, and resentment. See, now that I’m graduating I wish I had done a lot of things that I didn’t do. Its the end of my youth its upsetting. I wish what most don’t. I like being the baby! I like having people fuss over me, and take care of me. I don’t do work and I’m selfish and lazy. Growing up, sucks! It means that you can no longer depend on your parents. It means all those annoying things they did for you, you have to do. Please, don’t wish to grow up. It isn’t really about being selfish and lazy. Its just that the things you could get away with youth, the memories, and complete ignorance of the world I wish. Life’s a bitch, and to growing up means you have to deal with this. Having been a youth, I know that I’d prefer my ignorance of all the horrid, vile, and despicable things that happen in the world. Another thing is my era, my generation is well doomed. The economy seems to be crashing and as the negative person I am I believe we are at a high risk of another Great Depression or War World III. Not only that but depletion of resources and increase in disease, is well scary, think of “Children of Men” the movie. So I’m really discouraged in becoming an adult as all this occurs. Plus, I just don’t feel like I’m prepared for it. I know I’m whining, but can’t help what you are.

I was going to discuss a serious topic, but I lost my mind. Literally, I don’t remember what I was going to say. YEESH!!

I’ll see you all tomorrow maybe. An update a day? That would be sweet if I wasn’t the lazy type of person, that I am.